I was coming out of a hospitalization from a psychosis induced by some bad acid, and I was looking for community when someone handed me a SeekHealing flyer. I doubt they knew – and certainly I didn’t – what a gift that was and how my personal health journey would take such a powerful right turn because of that flyer.

My substance bonding journey over a period of years spanned from weed to opioids to heroin to mushrooms to acid. Yeah. Quite a ride. 

My recovery journey has also been quite a road, spanning a wilderness program, a behavioral health program, rehab programs and 12-step programs. But I couldn’t find redemption in those rooms. They didn’t feel like a path to recovery for me, like they weren’t getting to the meat of the matter. It wasn’t until a peer support specialist at the Peer Living Room here in Asheville handed me that SeekHealing flyer and I went to my first Connection Practice meeting that I felt like I was finally coming to understand the reason I was bonding with substances.

Toxic shame was a big issue for me around mental health and mental health labels. I think a huge part of addiction comes from not wanting to feel our shame. 

One of the reasons I was so intent on using substances was a way to hide from my feelings and from other people. When I was able to come back in touch with myself and others at these Connection Practice meetings, my desire to use those substances dissipated. Once I started talking about my feelings with other people in a healthy way, rather than hiding them out of shame, drugs became less appealing. 

People ask me how SeekHealing is different from all those other recovery programs I participated in. For me, there are two big ways. First, that SeekHealing eliminates the power dynamic I found difficult in other recovery programs.

The second is the fluidity available to all Seekers to simultaneously give and receive the benefits of the programs. SeekHealing has been great about letting me try on a lot of hats. It is so gentle in the way it operates. Things aren’t pushed – there are opportunities but not pressure. That has worked well for me. 

I started by attending Connection practices, coming almost every week for a long time, building up these connection muscles, learning what it means to be open to listen to someone without trying to change them. 

When I started applying what I was learning at SeekHealing to all my relationships, the results were mind-blowing. I started taking conversations into a completely different direction, making them substantive. I felt this layer of artificiality that had been plaguing me my whole life start to lift. I was afraid people would shut me down. Instead, people say “Thank you” when I ask a curious question. And when I share what is real for me, so do they.

Next, I took Listening Training I and I, got certified as a facilitator and started facilitating Connection Practices, which I’ve been doing since 2019. I’ve also participated in pairings, checking in with the same person for three years now, as equals with no power dynamic.

And when I start to feel shame around feeling inadequate – like even right now giving this testimonial -- I am reminded of the quote from Rumi when he said, “There is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.”I feel a lot lighter these days.