Even though I was working in the mental health field as a social worker, I did not see it coming in January  2007, when during a psychotic episode, a severely depressed family member shot me and my adult son, killed my dog, then killed themselves.  After our physical wounds healed, my son moved to South America and within three years took his own life. I fled to San Francisco where I became homeless for a decade and as a trauma response, my personality eventually split into three parts to hold the psychic pain. 

I slowly made some recovery progress through mental healthcare that included six hospitalizations, medication, and therapy.  But I was still quite ill. Recovery improved a bit more as I joined multiple support groups, including Survivors of Suicide. That said, I was still just limping along. It wasn’t until I moved to Asheville and stumbled into a SeekHealing Connection Practice that what I can only describe as a miraculous healing transformation began to occur.

At my first SeekHealing meetings, I was pretty disconnected from those around me. I was still unable to feel. The three personality splits were totally separate, and only one of them, Elmira, was able to feel compassion and empathy. Tom was aggressive and unfeeling: he was the one who protected me from ever loving again and getting hurt again the way I did when the trauma happened. Sitting in those meetings, I felt guilty because I felt so disconnected. But the greatest thing about SeekHealing is that when you take part here, it’s not just about you; it’s also about everybody else. We are all part of each other’s healing. Seeing that I had something to give others, as well as receive from them, gave me back a part of me I had lost.

Eventually, I was able to integrate the three personality splits and regain access to the connection, compassion and empathy that had been locked away inside Elmira. SeekHealing gave me a place to practice in real life what I was learning in therapy. Learning the communication tools SeekHealing offers has allowed me to connect with myself and others in a deep, authentic way. I recovered my capacity for compassion, honesty, authenticity, love and caring – all of which had been blasted out of me with those gunshots in 2007.  SeekHealing is the missing piece that has helped me finally reintegrate my psyche. Here it is safe to feel, and I have become me again.

SeekHealing is not therapy, but it is therapeutic, because change happens here. It’s hard to explain, but there is something visceral and emotional and physical about simply being in these meetings with other seekers. The compassion and understanding I feel from others in the group has been astounding. Once I found myself sobbing in a group only to open my eyes and see 15 people holding space and literally breathing with me through the pain. I didn’t know people who weren’t being paid or a place like this even existed. 

I now attend multiple SeekHealing groups a week. The facilitators and group members vary, but the core principles of SeekHealing are always present –  listening without advising, reflecting back what I hear, asking curious questions, and simply holding space for another's pain.  Each facilitator has gently helped me hone my communication skills. I can now handle constructive comments without feeling shame. It is starting to feel safe to connect with others and take back what I lost to trauma.  

I am now able to sit near people, touch people without fear or hypervigilance. For the first time in 15 years, I am able to give and receive a hug. My participation in SeekHealing has enabled me to witness and take part in incredible, observable, significant growth and change in other seekers. I now understand how we are all part of each others’ healing.  At 78, I am now in incredible health. I take no medication. Connection is my medication. I have friends. I am full of gratitude. I am alive again.